Saturday, February 26, 2005

cold Soup

Alright, friends, you guys have all got me goin' on this whole music issue, so I've been thinking about it lately. But then, an epiphany struck me yesterday afternoon in the form of Pam Thrash and the B-97 afternoon show. Perhaps some of you are familiar with this.

First of all, let me clarify that I was using a University van to run an errand, as I would never listen to this 92.5 FM of a station in my own car, because all they play is crap. But a song comes on the radio that actually makes my jaw drop. Literally. We wonder why people shouldn't be looking to music as a form of expression of their own thoughts and emotions. Well, sports fans, the proof is in the Soup. Bowling for Soup. Slurp down some of these classics:

"I almost got drunk at school at 14
Where I almost made out with the homecoming queen
Who almost went on to be Miss Texas
But lost to a slut with much bigger breastes."

or this nugget:

"I almost held up a grocery store
Where I almost did 5 years and then 7 more."

Can this band be serious? The lyrics actually spell 'breasts' with an extra 'es' so that it rhymes with Texas!! Ahhh!!! So my jaw dropped hearing this garbage, but then I get to those second lyrics from verse two. Why couldn't he have just said 12 YEARS!!! So he could rhyme store with more. Well, thank God it was to keep up the rhythmic integrity of the song!

So, I think, maybe I'm just not giving these guys enough credit. Every band has that bad song that makes you wonder why they wrote it, right? OK, no, most don't, but for the sake of this post, humor me. So, thinking this, I go back and look at their first hit, "1985".

Again, this song has no benefit to society and really doesn't do anything other than try and make a couple of popular 80's bands rhyme together. But wait, what popular 80's band rhymes with Blondie? Shoot, the songwriter thinks, I'll just inject some witty social commentary into the chorus instead. "There was U2 and Blondie," hmmmmm, ah, I got it! "And music still on MTV!"

Zing! Take that MTV! Bowling for Soup says you guys used to play videos in the 80's!

Does anyone want to bet me that "1985" went to number 1 on TRL?

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Open the Vents!!

Alright, kids, this is just a post of things that are bugging me these days. Maybe some of these same things bother you, maybe not. But when it comes down to it, this is my therapy. Anyhoo, who gets it first?

Good Charlotte.

Ok, back when these guys first broke on the scene like 2 years ago, they had a song called "Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous," which was basically saying that all famous people do is bitch and moan, a la the following lyrics:

"Always see it on TV
Or read it in the magazines
Celebrities who want sympathy
All they do is piss and moan
Inside the Rolling Stone
Talkin' bout how hard life could be..."

And so on. Ok, Joel Madden, I'm with you so far. I agree that there's a lot of stupid celebrities who whine about problems I wish I had. Kudos to you for pointing out something that goes largely un-commented on by the entertainment industry.

Enter Good Charlotte's sophomore album, "Chronicles of Life and Death," and specifically their new "hit" song, "I Just Wanna Live."

"It's getting hectic everywhere that I go
They won't leave me alone
There's things they all wanna know
I'm paranoid about the people I meet
Why are they talking to me?..."

Hmm, so now we have a Good Charlotte song that is actually him bitching and moaning about the problems of being a celebrity? People he doesn't know following him around? Well, boo frickin hoo Joel Madden, you made out with Hilary Duff. You've got it just fine. If there's some dude hiding in your bushes to take pictures of you eating Burger King, fine by me. Go ahead and use some of your millions to install that security system and then shut the hell up. No gold star for you!


Now, the thing that has pissed me off more than any other since probably Christmas are those ridiculous Jamster commercials. Yeah, I know you've seen em. See if this jogs your memory:

"Wanna get this cool screensaver for your cell? Just text 'cool1' to get the blingin' rims; text 'cool2' to get the hot babe; or text 'cool3' to get the words 'west coast'. Then send the text message to 355 55."

Now, the first annoying part of these commercials is that they're EVERYWHERE. I've seen them on twice a commercial break on Spike, TBS, VH1 and Comedy Central. Secondly, if you bother to read the fine print, you'll notice that when you send that text message you enroll yourself in a two-dollar-per-week happy plan. Yes, sports fans, it says happy plan. It really makes me wonder if ANYONE on this planet is actually eagerly grabbing their cell phones from the belt holster that they constantly spin it on and using their grubby little fingers to send that text message, almost passing out from anticipation while it downloads, and then exploding in an orgasm of happiness when those beautiful words "West Coast" appear on the background of their phone? All for a measly $8 a month. That, my esteemed amigos, is advertising money well spent. is a true marketing case study, and I should know.

The old cliche says that a fool and his money are soon parted, and if these people do exist, I'm thinking of an F-word to describe them, but it's not fool...